Have you lived your life trying to somewhat meet your parents’ demands while privately rebelling at the same time?
Are you unwilling to “cut off” your overly-intrusive parents and looking for a way to change your relationship without resorting to estrangement or superficial interactions?
Is your mother falling apart because you picked the wrong person to date, or you decided that having kids of your own is not for you?
Are you unclear about what your parents actually expect from you, yet you feel the pressure anyway as if you’re supposed to read their minds?
When your parents express feelings of sadness, loss, or disappointment, do you feel sad and guilty?
These are just a few examples of the sentiments I’ve encountered in my years working with young adults who are in a time of their lives where they are struggling to individuate and figure out how to live their life on their own terms.
I’ve noticed that Asian American children of immigrant parents are especially conflicted by the thought of going against their parents wishes for them. Immigrant parents tend to be anxious and oriented towards survival and security- after all, they had to start their lives from scratch as foreigners in a new country that is less than welcoming to newcomers. Many of them left situations of war and poverty in hopes of a better life, and for the next generation to succeed and have more than they did. The more they had to sacrifice and endure hardship, the more anxious and hypervigilant they and their parenting may become, and this sends a lot of mixed messages. It can feel too controlling, paranoid, and shaming/punishing, while at the same time interpreted as protective, motivation, and a cultural expression of parental love. I don’t think it’s one or the other. It’s all of above, and it’s downright confusing!
Constant dialogue and negotiation with one’s parents continue internally, including after moving out, having limited contact, or even after your parents have passed away. You may feel bothered by how much you think about what they think, that nagging voice in your head, how much they seem to speak through you, even though you’re desperate to get them out of your head!
Therapy can help sort out the jumble of voices, to find the similarities and differences, where the other stops and you begin. If this resonates with you, I hope you know you’re not alone, and that there are ways to relate to your parents differently as you grow into your own person, rooted in your culture and family, and yet finding your own version of success and happiness in life.