All those "Self-Help" Books

In Portland, Oregon, I've made an obligatory stop at the famously enormous Powell’s Bookstore. Refreshed by the fact that people still enjoy the act of flipping through pages of paper, I aim to peruse their impressive collection of new and used books.

Upon entering the store, I notice that the books that are specifically designed to grab my eyes and pull me into the store to read more, are “self-help books." They promise confidence, assertiveness, achievement, money, and love. There's an entire wall of books with the word “happiness” in their titles, and it's hard to look away.

OK, I want “happiness,” but which book do I choose? The one that says what the true secret of happiness is, or the one that debunks the myth of happiness?

My favorite display was the famous book by Japanese cleaning icon Mari Kondo, “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up”, and right next to it is its sassy response-book, “The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck.” This hilarious meta-message playfully invites the reader to opt for their own kind of self-help. Or in other words, the kind that they already believe in. The ones who think that tidying is the answer, will pick the tidying book. The ones who don’t give a fuck, will pick the latter. Someone else is wondering, “What do I do if I give a fuck but I don’t want to tidy up?” 

Like many other psychotherapists, I’ve been obsessed with the goal of enlightenment, self-actualization, happiness, or whatever you want to call it, for a long time. But I’ve realized that I merely enjoy being seduced by the writing of an Other, a knowledgeable Other who acts as a surrogate ideal-ego when I am feeling alone, far from enlightened, and at times just ridiculously unaware. 

Rather than seeking to understand my own experience that is defined by its invisibility to others, it was easier to just grab the next best thing to read and feel temporarily relieved from uncertainty. But the books are always an inadequate response to what I am ultimately looking for. Most of them end up in the giveaway pile when I’m tidying up.

Here’s what I have arrived at: The search for how you should be won’t be found in a book. Read them, but beware, don’t succumb to the temptation to be cured. Instead, try on the work of exploring yourself in therapy, where the Other just listens to you and all of your unenlightened thoughts and feelings. You will be surprised by how original and articulate you actually are. You will find yourself in the position to create your own answers. 

All I ask is that when you do, don't write a self-help book. 

On Being a Man

Part of the experience of being a man is to ask, “Am I a real man?”

Chris Mosier, the trans man in this new Nike ad, doesn’t have the answer, but it doesn’t matter. What the ad suggests, is that being a man is not dependent on having what it takes, but rather it is simply a matter of “just doing it.” 

What makes the message in his commercial so powerful and relatable, is the idea that trans men have the same anxiety over the discrepancy between their subjective gender and perceived gender presentation as any other person. Conversations on masculinity have always revolved around "acting like a man", from being told to “Man-up” to “Don’t be a girl.” Judith Butler is right in that gender is indeed a performance, and it must be performed well. When one experiences a break in character or forgetting of their lines, panic can ensue.

In cases of stage fright, the actor stands uncomfortably frozen in place without any idea of who they are supposed to be in front of the audience. Compare that feeling to the advertisement, where we watch Chris continuously moving through the world on high speed, without stopping to be afraid of not knowing if he was fast enough, or strong enough, to compete with other men. His ability to move without knowing is an illustration of masculinity itself. 

How is Chris so brave and self-assured? Well, without having ever met him, I can only assume he didn’t start moving without once stopping to examine his fears. And I’m certain he still experiences anxiety now-off camera of course. 

I suspect Chris Mosier is just like you: A man who does not quite know what it means to be a man, and doing it anyway. 

Beginning Therapy

First of all, I want to assure you that you don’t have to know exactly what’s wrong when you go to your first session with a therapist. Ignore what your friends, parents, partner, other health providers, or boss say you "should" work on. You can simply describe in the best way that you can, using your own words, what is happening with you that is not synching up with how you want to live your life. Remember, the whole point of needing help is the fact that you don’t know how to solve your own problems. You might even feel stupid or embarrassed in the beginning because what’s being asked of you is precisely to speak of what you don’t know about! The invitation is to become as curious and honest with yourself as possible. If you have never had the chance to speak in this way, you will probably experience an immediate relief from painful feelings. 

Starting therapy isn't easy; resistance and doubt are natural yet uncomfortable forces to deal with. The obstacles to getting help are totally real, involving a significant investment of your time, money, and emotional risk taking. At times it might seem like a struggle with no end in sight. If you still want to do it, it means that you have decided that your desire is worth fighting for, despite all of the obstacles. You are ready when all of the reasons to not seek whatever it is you are looking for cannot drown out the voice that seeks it. Therapy starts with listening to that voice.

To Live is to Suffer

"You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, this is something you are free to do and is in accord with your own nature, but perhaps precisely this holding back is the only suffering you might be able to avoid."  -Franz Kafka

It's curious that most humans do everything they can to avoid suffering- it's only natural, right? Yet the results of these actions can lead to graver discontent and even deadly consequences.

Consider everything you're not doing when you attempt to not suffer:

You're not asking that person out.

You're not asking your boss for a raise.

You're not sharing your art or writing.

You're not speaking your mind in school or at work.

You're not standing up for what you believe in.

You're not calling your friend to hang out.

You're not leaving your house. 

Take Franz Kafka's simple words seriously, and you may see how the avoidance of suffering leads to an un-lived life.